Special Comment May 14, 2008 - Olbermann To Bush: "This War Is Not About You...Shut The Hell Up!", originally uploaded by psgambat (Paul).

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marry me?

Special Comment May 14, 2008 - watch it on huffington

feed yourself, originally uploaded by rui sousa drawings.

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today was a complete mishmash of ideas and prolonged thoughts, taken for granted at red lights. i bought a tight flesh colored camisole and i wear it now with mint green peek-a-crack panties. typing with decaf at my side, the sign of a coffee convert. [decaf, that is] listening to my usual; solo piano music without lyrics. pianos talk. words just muddle the whole damn thing if you ask me.

kinda like artists statements and director's commentary over a film on a DVD. words just ruin the best of humanity, which is the silent part. the quiet languid core of our soul. i dislike speaking about my life as much as i dislike speaking about my work. i bore myself. i think i used to love the sound of my own thoughts being click clacked out on a keyboard, but any more, it just feels so tiresome and useless.

random thoughts.

putting a little sign on the baby changing table in the women's restroom that reads: "don't you sometimes wish that baby could change it's *own* damn diaper?"

fussing with fat rolls over jeans and my newfound weight of 195 pounds, which is exactly 4 pounds from where i started on weight watchers last year. i originally lost 16 pounds and gained a lot of muscle. i was wearing a size 11. i wear a tight 16 plus now. depressing as shit. but not too late.

three new purchase inquiries in the last two days. very exciting. getting a final sale isn't so easy, but i can assure you, the hard part is getting someone to make that first contact. most people walk away from an art show and just forget your name by the end of the next row of work. true story. people have short attention spans.

garage sales are my addiction. i bought a set of three ceramic swallows from an old lady today. they are circa 40s or 50s. beautiful pieces. $1.50 for all three. also, a new featherbed for $3.00, and yes that is three bucks. it was still in the package and i am pretty sure the people who sold it to me were in need of something, well, to fix a fit maybe.

i suck at the wacom tablet. i mean. wow. i REALLY suck at this thing. i look at it and i just glare... like "dude. you SUCK and *I* suck, so just, stop being there. i had high hopes for my wacom tablet usage. but i suck. did i mention i am sucky at wacom tabletting? okay. moving on.

my daughter is going to be the death of me.

i am slowly weaning off celexa and liking life much better. i don't have as great of concentration as i did before and my work is suffering because of it, but i am also feeling more alive and human. i find myself able to feel connections to people moreso now, than say, last week when i still had a full dose of the stuff in me.

i am going to work on three things this year.

my body.
my teeth.
my credit.

hopefully, after that, everything will be peachy.

my magazine feature should be out at the end of the month. i am excited because it's international, which means a lot more people will have access to my work. the internet helps, but anyone can be on the net. magazines, not so much. it's very validating. i'll be published again at the end of the year, and hopefully before then if my cards are played right. we'll see.

http://solopianoradio.com

seriously. good stuff.
nightsies.

daughter and her painting, originally uploaded by paper•ballet.

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today is family picnic day at paisley's school. she'll be out for the summer in a few weeks. my kid learned to READ this year. and write. and knows so much stuff about science and math that i never dreamed of knowing until like, the 3rd grade. at least.

she's special.

i had a tooth break off my partial yesterday. so now i have a pretty chipped front tooth and a missing canine. it's not so hot as one might think. i bought new make-up but now don't feel like wearing any because i just feel ugly and white trash. my teeth constantly reduce me to zero confidence.

art amiss 8.

wow. well, besides spelling my name tag wrong, NOT putting me in the actual list of visual artists at the show in the accompanying book, i feel that at least i learned how to be a pro even in the wake of a lot of non-professionalism. even whilst being basically attacked for showing up a day late with my work, then being treated rudely by most people with a few exceptions for helping SET UP the show .... i still feel that i got something out of it.

i just wish people didn't think so much of themselves that they had to be assholes. anyway.

i have 7 pieces still for sale. i am cutting a deal on those to try and cover my costs. framed and matted they're $75.00. they were at the show, going for $100. one is gone. [killing off the memories]

message me or email me for info.
paperballet@gmail.com

m to the i to the l to the f., originally uploaded by paper•ballet.

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i bought new makeup. i should probably not have done this, but i did, and it's done, so what. i can be irresponsible with my money every now and again.

i chipped the front of my tooth this weekend on a jolly rancher candy. i keep thinking i am going to just say fuck it and get permanent dentures, but then i just cant bring myself to commit to pulling all of my teeth at 33.

if i had one wish- something i cannot control nor change/reverse- i would wish my teeth were perfect. i have lived with atrocious teeth for so many years now. it would take about 7 grand, which is like putting a small vehicle inside my mouth. or a fancy diamond ring. or a down payment on a house.

but if you have ever had to wear fake teeth and had your real teeth suck, well, you know. one day, i suppose, i'll just have them all yanked out. but unutil then, i hope i can just make these work. i cannot change them. unlike my body, which i *can* change.

i am 33 and i don't feel a day over 20.

i suppose that's good and bad.
good for me, bad for the hot crop of high school grads this year. i'm kidding. [sorta] let's just say, my med changes have been pretty amazing in the sex drive dept. watch out. i'm kind of a hot rod right now.

well, i am going to crawl in bed with wes and read all about tila tequila in Blender.

xo

PS: at my daughter's kindergarten family night a woman was wearing a shirt that read "i'd do me."

come on, people.
are you SERIOUS?
crackheads.

Singing In The Bathtub, originally uploaded by Dill Pixels.

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my dreams are surreal sometimes.
like stories.

this afternoon i dreamed of this boy who became a man, named scott.
we were in new orleans and wrote letters on the street.
he circled a picture of himself dressed as a heart and wrote the words "consider him" and silently gave me the yearbook after that.

every side of myself is a comic book miracle.
a small vestige of kellyisms and highschool lovers unfound.
stories untold.

mysteries and dreams are text bubbles above our sleeping heads...
and a frame by frame unraveling of the quiet wants we never whisper in the company of others.

sympathy for the bitch faced, originally uploaded by willlaren.

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you know, i mean no harm in saying this, but there are a LOT of bitch-faced people at art shows. i am seriously just sayin because, well, you know. there are. a lot of them.

i watched someone take a tag off the wall after a buying a piece of art last night going "it's MINE! - and what i want i git, y'all..." and literally had no concern for title, artist or anything. she even later explained to people around her how the browns would match her couch "and all that tacky gold shit i like in the house."

sigh. i mean, i don't mind artists so much. but i really don't have sympathy for the bitch-faced or those who buy art to match their tacky bric-a-brac. these are the same exact people who buy chihuahuas to match their cashmere sweaters or something. you know how it goes. animals, asian girls... iPhones. status and greed.

okay, i threw the asian girl thing in there. but look at gwen stefani. i mean, she used an entire army of asian harajuku girls as her personal fashion accessories. people have zero class and even less taste in things which might give them the "appearance" of class.

in other news; i sold nothing last night.
which just goes to show you that arkansas doesn't quite get me yet.
but i was interviewed and sold two prints online, which covered my costs. then today i received another email from someone at livejournal wanting to do an art blog interview with me. so all of that is nice. but strictly speaking, it ain't payin no bills.

my livejournal matches muh couch, y'all!
yeehaww.

glitter strip, originally uploaded by paper•ballet.

6x8
watercolor, gouache, ebony pencil, glitter on rag.

woke up with zero water pressure.
our house is becoming not so nesty...
i am afraid i am unhappy about this fact.

tonight is my show.
i am going to go put backings and wires on all my frames now.
i hope all of you have a lovely day.

y'all ready for Obama?
i think it's gonna happen.

art amiss 8 show, originally uploaded by paper•ballet.

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i hope i can break even tomorrow. i invested some money into the work this time; higher quality and better preparation. still- t'would suck to only sell enough to make it worth the time to pass out business cards, ya know? break legs and all that.

the facial mutations series is a limited run of 50 gicleé prints hand signed, date stamped and numbered by me.

here is a list of people who probably like my work [and the different facets of my being]

old people.
fat people.
girls who are sexual.
boys who are shy.
men in their 40s/50s.
tomboys.
bullies and weaklings.
married couples who are happy.
married couples who are unhappy.
lonely people.
children.
most dogs.
heartbroken souls.
those that life left behind.
former girl scouts.
people who are smarter than rednecks.
rednecks.
dildo owners.
followers of organic foods.
daydreamers.
moms.
the crazies.
other artists.

i am now tired. on top of everything i did which was a bazillion^2, i am now fucking so sleepy i could curl into a ball on my desk and feel comfortable. i divided four pounds of strawberries at the market tonight with megan and leilani [having just ran into them b/c it's a small town sometimes] and i dunno. sometimes i really, really love this place. it's so good for me on so many levels.

i had a taste of the Dickens tonight.
and i don't meant Charles.
that was nice. chilled me out a bit... which was needed.

to wind things up here:
come see me tomorrow at the dickson theater between 5-9 or so.
i'll be the one with the weird collages standing there looking for the break in the line at the wine table.

test answers, originally uploaded by paper•ballet.

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um, i have been sitting in the dark. i dreamed i owned my fancy dream house and then a huge tree hit the roof and destroyed it and injured my neck so i had to tilt my head all sideways every time i did anything.

stupid.

i made fruit salad. i am procrastinating on things i need to do today.
my white v-neck shirt is grimy with jelly stains and my knee socks are hot, but it doesn't matter.

do you ever wish you could just go to an abandoned city and live out your days?

abandoned city in Japan
http://www14.big.or.jp/~kawamura/m-city/english_photo_gallery.html

boy, i sure do.

one hundred dreams, originally uploaded by paper•ballet.

collage
11x14
gicleé print on watercolor paper
limited edition of 50

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dude. my head hurts because of information overload. no, i am not pregnant. can you imagine me with a baby? ha. i scoff at babies. Pedro and i both scoff at babies.

i have been working. i am doing more digital stuff lately because my studio is boring the hell out of me. sometimes i just need a break from analog work. and sometimes i need a break from digital work. so i guess i am lucky that i can pick and choose.

i worked out [legs] tonight and i am tired now and want to eat the whole damn house. my women's art guild meeting lasted a short time this evening and i spent the hour framing and signing prints for thursday's show.

5pm - 9/10pm
dickson street theater
art amiss 8

come have fun.

anyway............................ i am weaning off a certain med for anxiety because it makes certain aspects of my relationship all "cardboardy" and gross-feeling. [mainly the intimate areas] so blah. my dr. said give them a rest. so that, i am.

and hopefully i will not become afraid of people again, but if so. ah well. maybe Viagra is for me.

okay. i am so tired i am cross-eyed.
nite.

fat as pigs, originally uploaded by paper•ballet.

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i don't think i have been this tired since... i don't know when.
i can barely keep my eyes open.
it's pretty sad.

tortolitos, originally uploaded by elsrgarcia.

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sometimes, i am full of envy. i torture myself and imagine my boyfriend with someone else. his ex. a girl he almost dated before meeting me. chance run-ins with random strangers with large hips. it is this torture that creates a fascinating masochistic neediness that i sexualize and make work for me when i feel particularly dead inside...

sometimes the arms and legs do not work.
more often than not, i am broken and sad and a figment of even my own imagination. without art to place me in a certain time and place, my inner time line would look like a chicken dance in the dirt.

he is soft and warm. on sundays he goes to play games with friends and i am alone. mostly i clean or write or sketch or plant things in my garden. in the business of relationships, things can become routinely lonely as a matter of course.

some days i feel like the little girl who is forced to take off her home-made pillowcase cape and glitter mask before going out with dad. "you can't be seen out in public like this, dear." she understands and feigns a smile of understanding, without understanding at all.

and i know he feels the same.
we're supposed to be good for one another. life is supposed to be magical and fun and exciting. it should feel like a God damned adventure. but most of the time, i feel i need an excuse just to hide away from everyone. i cannot remember the last time i was alone.
i cannot remember the last time he said "you make me happy."

new collages on paper, originally uploaded by paper•ballet.

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i'm working from home a bit today, which means being distracted easily by the glittery, fantastic inter-verse. i did complete some work this week, which is good since i have a lot of other work that needs to be done on top of actual art-makery.

i am listening to the hair bands station under "pop" on radio itunes. it is to-die-for. already this morning i have heard ratt, britny fox, slaughter, cinderella, twisted sister and tesla. i am an 80s hair band child. it will probably always own a tiny piece of my heart.

so yeah.. i got up at 6am. cleaned my house. got laundry together. washed dishes. fed birds and dog and myself. finished off my prints for art amiss 8. uploaded pictures and flickr-ed some. i have like 10-12 finches now, and a crow. yes, as in "cawcaw" crow. what? i am becoming the crazy bird lady. it's okay. whatever, ya know? it makes me happy. birds are the ultimate Taoist Zen-like creatures. they just sort of fly, with no arms. i mean, they have transcended the need for art. they have become the art. they do everything with their mouths. it's kind of weird. they are just these armless creatures.

everyone wishes they could be a bird and fly, but not me. i'd want to at least be Superman so i could have hands to make stuff with- and fly.

well, i have to drop off prints, do some framing today. i also need to workout and walk the dogs- and do a few loads of laundry. how do i do it all, you ask? i have hands.

unlike birds.

a toast to marriage, originally uploaded by paper•ballet.

Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce

mixed media collage on cotton rag
100% recycled materials
8.5x10.5

from analog collage series : "American Pornography" [2008]

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sore muscles instantly make me feel better. odd how that works? i work out in a different gym with my new [old] partner hydie and it's beautiful. i love it. it's not so much about weight or anything... or even food. it's about how i feel after a workout. the energy i have at night. the restful sleep i get, even if my weirdo mind does go on long LSD trips as i snooze.

i looked around at the teenagerly bodies on the women and their non-scuffed white nikes and the glaring Apple/Mac accessories on their arms... and i get sometimes a bit disgusted. but i remember, with my tattered workout clothes and my non-music wearing self and my sweaty hands with ugly workout gloves- i remember i am okay just as i am. i am not there to meet my mate. i am there to meet myself [again] and hopefully come home with a healthy body and better attitude.

i have missed this. not as much as i miss running, but i'll take what i can right now.

starting over. let me address this one. if you do not like someone based on who they were ten years ago, check yo self. people *do* change. are you really THAT caught up on what other people think or what other people have said? for example, take me. i was a lousy, awful broken person ten years ago. dare i say i have changed and am not AT ALL that same girl? sure. why not? because it's true, really. i am not her. she is more or less a complete figment of the imagination. i am no more her than i am lenny bruce.

we can start over. if i am living proof of anything, it is that you can try again and again and one day, all that trying will pay off and something will stick! habits and routines may seem pretty lame and boring, but they matter. they are good for the body and mind. when i catch myself slipping back into my old ways, i have to rethink how i am doing things and find the missing chunk of time in my day where i threw off my routine. almost every single time, it's true. i have forgone something valuable for something, say, "fun" and frivolous. setting goals and delaying gratification are so important to me. they are an inseparable duo in the daily grind of life. they make the grind, well, more like something you can OWN, not something that owns you.

as an artist i have been a notorious procrastinator, and i am certainly not claiming i no longer wait till the last minute to do things- but- as an artist, your attitude and approach to your work is so important. they never teach you in art school how to be a professional. they give you all these skills but they never tell you exactly how to work a 9-5 day on your art. or even a 5-9 evening on it. sadly, most artists are missing out on so many opportunities because they just don't know how to take their work seriously. it's easy for me to say- i am pretty much lucky in that i have a studio, a monthly income and an extremely supportive network of family and friends who allow me to be the introvert when i need to be. but it's not all balloons and streamers.

i have to work. i have to spend much more money every month than i ever bring in on my work. it's a labor of love. it's not about money or getting "known" around the art circles. [though that does help sometimes] i think the most important thing you can do is work a certain number of hours on your craft everyday and then let the chips fall where they may. part of my "work" is walking my dogs. believe it or not, if i don't walk an hour everyday, i feel like ass. my brain clogs and i can't make anything look right. i also plot out time with my sketchbook and time for breakfast. these are like my "art medications" i take to help me stay focused. i also balance this time with working on a variety of projects so i am never bored. and lastly, i have my "family time" where i am just me, not an artist... and i can come out of that shell and start to reflect on my day and enjoy my success.

for me, "downtime" is a no go. i don't have much of it, i'll be honest. i do rest. i relax. that's a must- but as far as taking days off and sitting around dicking around on the computer for hours on end, nope. i just feel crappy if i do that these days. when i am online, it is serving as a tool or a function of something else that needs to be done. [i.e., blogging, uploading pictures, working on my website, emailing submissions] i am not all ' oh look at me i am so awesome' here, but i am just saying, do not give up! a dream is a dream and does not have an age or date or end or beginning. it's just an amalgam of hope manifested into a goal. it CAN be achieved. and when it is, find something else to shoot for. and keep shooting until you're dead. that's my mantra.

these days run out...
and the longer we wait, the shorter our time gets.
marriage. that's the other thing i wanted to talk about, but hey-
time management prohibits me at this time.

finches are fatties, originally uploaded by paper•ballet.

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i stayed home today to drink coffee and watch birds.
and clean up ants because i do not like them in my kitchen.
and maybe my karma is bad now, but that's how it is.

we built a clubhouse under our deck for paisley and her friend justin this weekend. wes is good at hammering and making walkways.
i am good at pulling weeds and making a club look decorated.

these birds are my finches. sometimes i have up to 5 out there eating at one time. i have so many birds that come to eat now, i am going to have to take up a collection fund for my flying friends.

i can't wait for hummingbirds.
i planted my deck container garden also this weekend.
we went to springfest, the music fest- paisley went to a movie and a skating party and wes and i had a lot of down time to just tinker around the house.

i am going to focus on art amiss this week and getting back on the workout bandwagon with hydie. it will be the first time in over a year we've actually worked out together. i am excited and, honestly? scared. i have not worked out since my blood pressure spiked dangerously high last year. but i think i am ready. having my friend there will be nice again.

have i mentioned that i miss my long hair?
well, i do. i don't think i am going to dye or cut it again.
i'm an old hippie now, i guess.

oh and i talked to ol "Juan" this weekend at the sonic youth show. oh, those old days... filled with big mouth mickeys, social d and fort smith shows. those were the days. when i told paisley we had friends who used to steal car batteries to make their cars run, she was baffled. later on she asked me "mom, why would you hang out with people who steal?"

oh my!
if she only knew half the things i did as a young adult...
she'd freak.

sleepy people, originally uploaded by paper•ballet.

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i miss feeling drunk on infatuation and sexual misconduct

paperballet in the studio, originally uploaded by paper•ballet.

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today was less than productive.
no walking. i ate shitty food.
i was pretty much wacky-brained.
did two sketchbook pages and a background
as well as a 12x12 collage.
vulgar, too.

the rest is fucking history.
i get so sick of myself sometimes i just can't stand to look in the mirror.

sketchbook, originally uploaded by paper•ballet.

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i have a new bangle bracelet obsession.
i have been making a lot of art.
my new favorite food court combo is a chikfila side salad and a fresco bean taco. yum, and cheap. hello?
they say that parts of detroit are now being overtaken by nature.
is that true? people are leaving there in droves, i hear. sad.
i remember being on the people mover 20 years ago and being so enamored with the city from up there. and Greektown, damn- food.
my family is from there and so, i feel a sense of genetic responsibility to it for some reason. in our house, we had every detroit team on every TV and we were not exactly "quized" on team member names, but we were expected to know what the shit we were talking about with our father. my father was a goalie, so Red Wings counted also.

wes has hurty wisdom teeth. sometimes the age difference doesnn't so much bother me until, well, things like wisdom teeth come up and i realize what a young pup i managed to nab. i've been trying to baby him, but he's kind of a bastard when he is in pain. it's probably best to just leave him be for now. but he cries and i cry. i guess that's love, huh?

my goal of having my own solo show this year seems more and more likely, though i *still* do not feel ready for it yet. i am constantly torn between what i consider my best work and the work that challenges me and feels like "work" more than play. sometimes, i think, it's best to just let the audience decide. so far people seem to like the wide variety in my artistic expression; analog and sketchbook and digital mediums- all getting [for now] equal validation from objective eyes. but to me, it's more difficult to understand where i am going as in a cohesive body of work. stuff that is tell-tale, paperballet stylistically. i have such a weird obsession with art being about, well, being obsessed. not that it should all look the same, per se, but that it should just feel that you can expect a certain type of thing from a certain artist. does that make sense?

anyway. i speak less and less and write even less than that. i seem to just want to create, read books with my daughter and play with my three dogs.

lately my reoccurring thought is:
"i wonder what the birds are doing all day?"

monster cock. monster burger., originally uploaded by paper•ballet.

watercolor on hand made paper

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i just sort of get sick of society's greed and obsession with the biggest and the newest and the fattest and the thinnest and the cure-all, best buy, perfection, fame, fortune, magazine ad glory-hole of it all.

anyway, i have more cute pictures in my photostream on flickr, which is basically my blog, so go and check them out.

i am in a weird mood today.
i just sort of want to be in a cocoon of art and scribbles
and drawrings and let all t his shit in my head
out.

i am in no mood to drag on about my weight or how no matter how much i walk, i seem to just gain these days. i am happy and really quite healthy, so i should just be done with it.

but obsessions are just that.
obsessions.